The Nightmare on Agency Street

What a very interesting few weeks it has been since my last check in here. After many more emails and Skype conversations with Ellie and Matt, I can confirm that they are outstanding people, and will be wonderful parents. I really look forward to the opportunities that we have to talk and catch up on how things are going in each other's lives. We are all starting to do the mental projections of time, how pregnant we will be when the next holiday rolls around, or what we'll do the next time that they come to town. It's all very exciting. What's not so exciting is all of the tedious red-tape that has transpired in the past few weeks, and we are very much looking forward to that part being over. As I left off of my last post, I surmised that we would have navigated the jungle of paperwork and be looking at some dates on the calendar for the IVF transfer. The great news is that we have a target transfer date - August 26. I'm thrilled about this, and even have my calendar of medications that will be introduced, ramped up, phased out, etc. as we approach the transfer date. I met with the parents' reproductive endocrinologist (RE) last Friday, contributed 5 vials of blood and a cup of urine, did an ultrasound of my uterus, and went on a magic school bus ride into my uterus to ensure that baby will find the accommodations acceptable. The RE determined that my uterine lining was a little over 10 mm, which is fantastic given that we were shooting for 8 mm or more. Moments after cheering about exceeding our lining goal, the full force of the 20 ml of saline that was injected into my uterus hit me. As the wickedly funny RE noted: That can be a real humdinger. I'm here to confirm his assessment: It was, indeed, a real humdinger. But, alas, everything went splendidly and looked great for the incubation of stork baby. Great news for our goals and the timeline that we have planned. We'll spend the next several weeks finishing up the contract, and I should start the first medication on July 24.

The less pleasant news comes from the jungle of paperwork, and the agency on the other side of that jungle. As you may recall from my previous entries, I started out on this adventure with an agency I really liked, and ventured into some independent communications in order to find the best possible match. When I found that match in Ellie and Matt, I had to make a decision between sticking with the agency that I had been working with or going over to the agency that Ellie and Matt had contracted. I felt like it was asking too much of them to switch to my agency, given the amount of money that they already had invested in deposits and fees with their agency. So as I dove into that jungle of paperwork, part of the enormity of it was in catching up on the information and documentation that they normally would have had pre-match, had I been working with them from the beginning. Although there was a lot of paperwork, Ellie and I had hoped that it would move quickly because the match had already been made, and a lot of the agency's work had been done for them. We would later find out that it did not come as a relief to them to do less matching work, but more of an insult, as you'll see.

We spent the first couple of weeks pulling basic items together like the application, consent forms for medical records release, an agency-surrogate agreement, information for background checks for my husband and I, and setting up the psychological evaluation. As the days passed, I checked in regularly with the co-director of the agency to ensure that everything was progressing in order to stay on target for the August transfer that we were shooting for. I was a little nervous when I found out after a couple of check-ins that the medical records hadn't been requested, and that they were expecting me to request them. But once I found out, I jumped on it, and got the requests faxed over to the clinics and hospitals.  I was also assigned a surrogate coordinator who contacted me to welcome me to the agency family. She was very sweet and bubbly, however, in her second email she made a statement alluding to a situation with my intended parents that didn't have a positive outcome. I was very uneasy about her sharing the information that I thought should come to me from Ellie and Matt, if they chose to share. I decided to avoid any further communication with her, as it seemed like it would only be filled with drama. At a later point in time, in one of our Skype calls, Ellie and Matt did share with me what had happened, and it certainly was not as big of a deal as was alluded to in the email. So we continued to move forward with our to-do list.

My husband and I had a great conversation with the psychologist that did the evaluation, and then we waited. About a week later, I checked in with the co-director to see if all of the records were in, the psychological evaluation results were in, and the background checks were complete. She said that everything was going fine. After another week passed, I got a call from one of the clinics that they hadn't sent my records yet, but were going to the next business day, so I checked in again to see where each of those items were in the process. The co-director responded that everything was fine and that I didn't need to worry about it, but I was a bit nervous about our timeline, given that one of the medical records hadn't been sent yet. I emailed back to say that I was frustrated because I hoping for a status update for each of the items to ensure that we stay on track for our timeline, and that a phone call may help to clear the air. I did receive a phone call, but it did not bring the progress that I was hoping for. She was defensive and demanding, so we came to a common ground and found a quick end to the conversation. The next morning I received an email from the surrogate coordinator that I hadn't heard from in weeks, asking how I was doing with all of the waiting that is involved in surrogacy. Her email was quite obviously prompted by the co-director, so I was frank in my response, saying that everything seemed to be moving along well, and that my only obstacle was in getting information from the co-director. Little did I know what a storm of anger and hatred that would incite!

The tone of the emails from the co-directors of the agency.

The next morning I received an ugly email from the co-director stating that she had removed the coordinator from my case and that she would be doing all of the communicating with me, then she proceeded to chastise me for asking questions and telling the coordinator that she was not responding to the questions that I had previously asked. She suggested another phone call involving the other co-director and the CFO, which looked to me like a verbal flogging was headed my way. Now I'm not one to try to rock the boat, and in general, I work hard to make peace, even in the most difficult of communications, but I'm also not one to tolerate being talked down to or treated badly. So in my response, I noted that I didn't appreciate the tone of her email, that I found it unprofessional, and that I would be glad to have a conference call so long as it was focused on a positive and productive outcome and didn't further deteriorate the working relationship. After several scheduling emails were exchanged, the other co-director sent me an ugly email about my lack of availability and being, in her opinion, overly involved in the process. She included several thinly-veiled threats of refusing to allow me to work with Ellie and Matt. All throughout this flare up of negativity, I was in regular communication with Ellie and Matt, who were completely shocked. They were also confused because the agency was giving them very limited information as to what was transpiring. I forwarded the last email to them, copied the co-director and simply stated that I thought that it would be a good idea for all of us to discuss this together and openly to improve communications. I was met with an immediate response from the co-director stating that I had been terminated from their program. This came as quite a shock and surprise to Ellie and Matt, who were beyond frustrated and exhausted at this point. They wanted to find a way to move forward with me and the agency, and I suggested that we modify our communications such that I didn't want to be in contact with either of the co-directors. Some communication occurred between them and the agency, and I received an email from the co-director stating that Ellie and Matt wanted to continue working with me, so the agency would need a HIPAA authorization form signed in order to move forward.

At this point, I had zero trust in these women, and now she wanted me to sign a form stating that they would have full access to all of my medical information, past, present and future, and that the information gathered could be re-disclosed at will. I was pretty sure that the co-director was getting ready for an awesome witch hunt to find a way to prevent this process from going forward. I decided that I would make a couple of minor changes to the form that would limit the scope of the authorization to the medical situation at hand. I emailed the co-director to ask how she wanted changes made, and she responded by demanding to know what changes I wanted to make and why. In the mean time, she communicated to Ellie and Matt that she would no longer work with them if they continued to use me as their surrogate. As this was the day before my appointment with the RE, it was uncertain whether or not the medical check was actually going to happen. I made the decision to complete the authorization form without limitations in Ellie and Matt's names only, allowing them free access to the information, and sent it in. They were in financial discussions with the agency and emerged to tell me that they had found a way to move forward, and to plan on attending the appointment with the RE. As of last Friday, when I saw the RE, he relayed that he had received an email from the agency stating that they were no longer working with me, Ellie or Matt. He reassured me that we would be fine in working toward the August transfer, regardless of the agency's involvement, which was a huge relief for me as well as for Ellie and Matt.

In the 6 days that have passed since that appointment, I have been working closely with Ellie and Matt to finish the details of the contract, and they have passed them along to the CFO at the agency. It appears that the agency is working with Ellie and Matt to complete the legal and financial aspects of the process, and I've been able to remove myself from their line of fire. I hope that they continue to work toward the goal that Ellie and Matt have put in front of them and paid them for, and I'm truly optimistic that the worst of it is behind us. My final thought on the agency from hell is this: I now have an even greater appreciation for the kindness of the agency that I started with, and hope to work with them again in the future.

There are many stories of unfathomably terrible experiences in surrogacy, of which, this pales in comparison. For that reason, I fully expect to see much greater legal regulation of surrogacy in the not too distant future. Surrogacy is becoming more common in the U.S. and abroad, and is a relatively unregulated market here with an overabundance of financial transactions closely tied to emotional decision-making: A recipe for disaster. I wouldn't be surprised to see the U.S. adopt legislation similar to Canada that prevents surrogates from receiving money or gifts outside of intended parents paying for directly related pregnancy and delivery expenses. From an ethics standpoint, I think it's likely necessary to keep the surrogacy market from entering a tailspin of ugly experiences with money and greed at the core of the motivation.

Parents and Paperwork

Happy Easter! It was a wonderful and relaxing holiday in our home. It's been a few weeks since my last blog post, and as I promised, a parent decision has been made. After taking some time to consider all of the potential parents and communicating with them openly, the decision became very clear. The future parents, Ellie and Matt, are an international couple that, incidentally, share commonalities with me such as age, education, career and life ambitions. They have a wonderful sense of humor, and are open to the fun and excitement that lie ahead. Unfortunately, infertility can be fraught with devastation and disappointment to the point of creating anxiety-riddled pessimism in people that, otherwise, have very happy-go-lucky personalities. I consider myself extraordinarily lucky to have connected with a great set of future parents that are glowing with a beautiful inner light of optimism, eagerness, and enthusiasm. After weeks of emailing and a fantastic Skype conversation, I am elated to to be sharing this experience with them. I can't wait for the moment when the obstetrician hands them their goo-covered bundle of joy, and they realize that all of their efforts have culminated in this one moment of sheer bliss. To be honest, that's exactly what motivated to me to become a stork in the first place.

So here we are, at the precipice of a truly awe-inspiring, life altering experience, and it starts just like any other major undertaking: with paperwork. There are about 7,359 different forms to fill out or signatures to be gathered. Medical records from previous pregnancies and deliveries must be compiled and reviewed, an extensive questionnaire must be completed to assess my lifestyle and ideological viewpoints, and a background check and psychological evaluation must be completed (for good reason: If you're looking for some jaw-dropping, head-shaking, dumbfounding type of entertainment, check out some of the online advertisements and forum discussions regarding surrogacy). Once all of that information is pulled together and properly appraised, the IVF clinic will need additional paperwork to establish me as a patient, and then they'll schedule an appointment to collect copious amounts of blood and get a good long look at my girl bits. Upon clearing all of the red tape, we'll do some legal paperwork, and get down to the business of making a miracle happen. Hopefully, by my next update, we will have sorted through the jungle of documents, and have penciled out some dates for making the scientific magic happen.

50 First Dates

It's been an interesting few weeks since I last checked in. As of my last post, the agency that I'm working with sent my profile off to the first set of potential parents, and we all sat back with bated breath and waited. And waited. And waited some more. Spring break came and went, and the agency called to say that all of my medical records had arrived, and everything looked good. In my usual, impatient style, I spent a great amount of time combing through the threads on various surrogacy forums. I tried my best to not think about what the potential parents could be considering - I mean, it's a Skype call, not a marriage proposal! But alas, my impatience won out once again, and I leisurely perused the classified ads of the aforementioned forums.

I find them intriguing, both from the standpoint of a potential stork, as well as wondering what potential parents must think of some of these ads that other storks post. I had visited these ads many times, and always thought that if there was an ad from a set of parents that really jumped up and grabbed me, that I would go ahead and send them a reply. That never actually happened, but it made me wonder if there were some awesome parents out there, hovering over the ads everyday, thinking "If there was an ad from a stork that really jumped up and grabbed me, I would totally send them a reply." And so it was; a relatively fleeting thought that manifested itself into an ad placed on one of those forums. An ad that emphasized that I was looking for parents to share the adventure and excitement of the journey with.

I'm not sure exactly what I expected, but the responses were numerous, and varied in their approach. I heard from several couples at various stages of their surrogacy journey, from just finding out that they would need to use a gestational carrier to having previously used a carrier and looking for a carrier to bring a sibling into the family. Interestingly enough, all of those emails came from intended mothers. I also received several from agencies trying to recruit me, but I simply deleted those. I love the agency I'm working with and have no desire to switch. Then there were the weird ones: A single middle-eastern man that wanted to have a child to aid him in securing a wife, and offered "double what the agency will pay" while writing to me in a tone that indicated that he believed that I was a commodity to be purchased for this period of incubation. There was also an intended father that emailed to ask a host of standard questions, along with a thorough list of questions probing every facet of my religious affiliation and activity level, which seemed a little too assertive for the first interaction. Oh, and I can't forget about the intended mother that asked me about my stance on termination, and when she wasn't happy with my response, sent me a reply stressing that my opinion was wrong and I needed to adopt hers. When I failed to reply, she emailed again a week later with an additional attempt to persuade me into her opinion. I politely responded to her, noting that it seemed that we were not on the same page with that issue, and that I had emphasized in the ad my desire for a strong relationship with the parents, which it didn't seem like we were developing, so I would not likely be her best option for a carrier. To my surprise, she responded again to say that, like the previous point, on this, too, I was wrong. That there is nothing in a surrogacy contract that requires parents to have a relationship with their surrogate, and rarely do surrogates get any contact after the birth of the child. Me choosing not to respond was the only way to stop that madness. But in the midst of the myriad of emails, there were a handful of gems.

There were emails from 5 different intended mothers that hit right on the bullseye. These women were exactly what I had envisioned: watching the ads, hoping for a stork to place an ad that really grabbed them, and looking for someone that they could really develop a relationship with throughout the process. We've spent the past couple of weeks emailing back and forth. Three of them live in the same state that I do, one is a plane trip away, and one is abroad. Over the course of the email conversations, the more finite details of each of our goals and wishlist items have come out, which has allowed me to encourage three of them on to finding a slightly better stork for their wishlists, and left me with two sets of parents that I know that I would love to work with. In a matter of a couple of weeks, I went from impatiently waiting for one set of parents to respond to having more parents than I have womb space for.

In the meantime, the agency called to say that they have a different set of parents that they think would be a good match, and sent me a profile to look over; no mention of the first set of parents, but that's probably a good thing at this point. The agency director asked if I would have a phone meeting with them later in the week, to which I agreed and figured that it would help me to make some final decisions on which set of parents to work with. So at the end of the week, we had a phone meeting that went really well, and these potential parents want to set up a face-to-face meeting in the near future. Just to recap, after what has felt like 50 first (email/phone) dates, I am now looking at a set of potential parents that I've had great casual email communication with that live abroad (parents A), a set of parents that I have only met through the agency, but have talked to and really like their personalities (parents B), and a set of potential parents that I've had very in-depth bonding email communications with that live several states away (parents C). I have no idea which way I'm leaning at this point. At any given moment, I oscillate from one to the next for one specific reason or another. All 3 sets of parents would be amazing to work with, and I sincerely wish that I could help all of them. As of today, I'm not sure which direction this will go in, but I'm sure that by the next time I sit down to blog, a decision will have be made.

Finding the Parents

Did I end my last post with "patiently waiting"?? Well, I have to admit that patience has never been my greatest attribute. Although I take a slow, cautious and thoughtful approach to most things in life, once I've made up my mind about something, I have the patience of a child in the days leading up to their birthday. And making the decision to take the leap into being the stork is no different.

As I noted last week, it had been about one week since I sent all of my paperwork over to the agency. They now had a full-profile to share with potential parents, and all of the forms that they needed to pull my OB-related medical records. I knew that I needed to wait for them to put all of the records together, look over them to ensure that there are no medical issues of concern, then start considering potential parents that they know of that are looking for a stork. Did I mention that waiting patiently isn't really my thing? The impatience got the better of me on Monday, and I sent my agency director an email to check on how things were going. She responded quickly and told me that although she doesn't yet have all of my medical records, that she had attached the profile of a set of parents that she has in mind that she would like me to consider.

There was a flood of excitement in knowing that I was holding information on, what could be, the parents of my first stork delivery. I dove into speed-reading through the pages. As I took it all in, I circled back to several key pieces of information; the infertility struggle, the preferred transfer method, and most importantly, the desired relationship between parents, stork, and the future babe. Studying and re-reading these sections is where the impatient side of me took a backseat to the slow, cautious, thoughtful side. As I approach this adventure, I know, without a doubt, that my main goal is to make someone's long-held dream of being a parent come true. All of the other aspects of the adventure are secondary to fostering the joy and excitement that will come from finally realizing the amazing rush of pure happiness that they have been waiting so long for. In order to lay the foundation for that type of experience, I think that it's very important to embark on this adventure with parents that want to be involved in the process, are hoping for a close relationship with the stork, and are open to maintaining communication and updates after delivery.

So I sat on the profile for a couple of days, re-reading it several times and asking my husband to read through it before we talked about our impressions of it. After letting it all sink in, I sent the director an email saying that I thought there was potential, although I had a couple of hesitations; most notably that the desired relationship sounded less involved than I was hoping for. On the other hand, I recognize that it can be very difficult to read something like that in a short paragraph. Again she responded quickly and let me know that she has had the opportunity to meet and interact with these potential parents on multiple occasions, and that she believes that they are hoping for a similar level of involvement and relationship development as I am. She suggested that we meet via Skype in a couple of weeks, allowing me an opportunity to get a better glimpse of the potential parents personalities and level of involvement, then determine if I think it's a good fit, or if I still have reservations. That sounds like a solid plan to me, so I'll once again (patiently?) standby for the next step in the stork adventure.

Gearing Up for a Stork Adventure

Several weeks ago, I was pondering the struggles of a friend that has been unable to create a family. I really felt for her and what she was wanting so badly to have in her life. I thought about how inconsiderate it must feel to her when I complain about my misbehaving children or joke about giving them away. I wondered about the extent of her infertility; Is her difficulty in getting pregnant, or carrying the pregnancy, or both? Does she have the ability to ovulate fertile eggs? What infertility treatments has she investigated? Then a random thought hit me: If the problem is only in gestating the future fetus, I've got a perfectly good oven that I don't plan on ever using again. I would be more than happy to lend the space to her if she needs it. After some time and serious consideration between my husband and I, that entire conversation played out with her. I didn't expect a decision in that moment, or any time soon for that matter (whether or not to add a family member is a huge decision not to be taken lightly!), but after talking with her, I just couldn't shake this feeling that this is something that I really want to do for potential parents that have struggled through the heartbreak of infertility.

As a woman in my early thirties, I am very fortunate to be a mother of four - two babes that I gave birth to, and two bonus babes that were a package deal when I married my husband. Our family and home lives are very well-established, and we have no desire to add any more siblings to our wild brood. But with several years of fertility ahead of me, I realized that I have the ability to provide this wonderful opportunity to a couple in need. So, as I give my friend an abundance of time to consider all of her options, including if using a gestational surrogate is something that she and her husband would ever want to do, I have decided to move forward with providing this opportunity to another set of potential parents in the meantime.

I heavily researched the process, agencies, articles and forums dedicated to surrogacy. I learned all of the acronyms and listened to all of the joyfully triumphant success stories, as well as all of the tear-filled accounts of intended parents and surrogates alike whose experiences did not unfold as expected. There were as many cautionary tales as excitement-filled birth stories, and as many articles and discussion threads on contracts and agencies as there were on embryo transfers, pregnancies and deliveries. I spent a great amount of time reading and wrapping my mind around the logistics and emotions of the entire process, and then started feeling out a few agencies. I stuck with my intuition when I contacted and communicated with each of them, rejecting some and moving forward with only those that I felt comfortable with. After a few days, the right agency was obvious to me. The director was coming through my town the next day and called to ask if I would have a lunch meeting. We sat and talked for about an hour and half, and again, my intuition told me that this was exactly who I wanted to help me find a great set of parents to help out on this journey. It's now been a week since I finished my paperwork with them, so I'm now in standby mode, patiently waiting for them to introduce me to some potential parents in need of a stork.